Knives n Hooligans

I was working at Wal Mart again. I have no idea how this happened. I avoided work for a while by wandering the halls, watching episodes of South Park on the demo TV's that existed exclusively in my dream world, and trying to sneak in naps on the dirty floor.

Eventually I just said "fuck this" and left. I walked outside, dropping my retail-slave garments in a garbage can. I turned a corner, looked up, and noticed there was a ladder up the side of the building and a smallish ledge. An unmarked door rested on this ledge tempting me with its mysteries.

I climbed up this mysterious ladder only to find it was guassrded by spoiled little suburban tweens who thought they were gangsters. Our British friends would call them Chavs, I believe.

I ignored the Chavlings only to find myself being punched in the back of the head as I attempted to open the mystery door. I found myself unable to fight back. I can't tell if it was due to cowardice, a moral responsibility to not hit children or oh shit that one has a knife quick jump over the side.

I landed on the sidewalk and vowed revenge. I went to the nearest unattended mom-and-pop retail store hoping to find something to bash their brains in with. Fortunately that store was "Wooden Things N Things." It was no "Bludgeondale's" but it was sufficient. I found a metal-plated sword-like cane-thing and struck out with bludgeony vengeance in my heart.

My anger turned to fear as I realized that the chavlings had summoned their protector: 1980's style leather-jacket wearing sexually ambiguous nihilist gang leader with funny hair and pointy knives. I think this may be a result of watching part of "The Lost Boys" the prior evening.

He approached me menacingly as the rest of his gang of Judas Priest fans and 80's skank bitches backed him up. I tried to run, but my legs told me "stay and fight, pussy!" The part of my brain controlling flight or fight reactions were clearly taking a day off. Noticing my obvious nervousness, he kindly reassured me "Don't be scared. They're just knives!" without a hint of irony in his voice.

He wiped the edge of his blades on my shirtsleeves impotently, failing to so much as leave a crease in them. "Ha ha, I got you! Won't be long now! You're bleeding like a pig!" he exclaimed triumphantly. I went valiantly upside his dome with my cane thing and then bravely stabbed the defenseless man to death with his own knives.

The rest of his gang lined up to come at me one a time, black ninja style. I poked aother man to death before a third tackled me. I was terrified, sure that I was seconds away from stabby, bloody doom.

I pulled a desperation play: "Hey, I killed your leader. That means I'M your leader now!" It worked. They lead me back to their hideout where I could have all the skanky gang bitches I wanted. Many of them were partially dripping with melted cheese for some reason.

I no longer cared about the wal mart mystery door.